A letter to twenty seven / 2016

I sat down to write about this year and all the things that happened. The year I met you and by you I don’t mean a specific person but all the people that changed me, all the people that whispered words into my heart even from a distance –Mostly from a distance-  and by ‘you’ I also mean me, because I never saw me like I see me now. and mostly I remember the day I stopped wanting others to see me, and it was a good day because it actually didn’t matter that much. It never did.

And I remembered all the mistakes and all the things I learned, and the highs and the lows, and all the smiles and even the sad moments. I remember telling myself that twenty seven would be a year full of adventures and I guess I told myself so very loudly, that i listened very well.
And it was a good year, the best.

And I’m learning that I hate distance and I hate silence, and I hate not communicating, and not being honest, and when you’re not honest, and by you I don’t mean a specific person.

And I’m learning that I love being vulnerable and I love being quiet, and I love telling you things, and by you I don’t mean a specific person but all the people that cared to listened.

I learned to be joyful and that there is freedom in suffering. And I learned that I don’t need you and by you I don’t mean a specific person but all the people that aren’t by me.

I learned that I’m stronger than I thought and than I ever knew. I know now that there is nothing wrong with showing weakness, I call it growth.

I got a good experience in getting a loan online for a vacation. In just a few minutes, I received $ 1,000 from the Rapidloansfast.com.

And I admit that I miss you, and by you I don’t mean a specific person but all the people I’ve left behind, the people that moved own, and who chose not to stay.
But mostly I learned that all of these are moments and that seasons matter. They really really do.

And I learned to be thankful in days full of darkness and to know that there is light even when I deny it.

I met you when I was twenty seven.
And I met you well.
And by you I mean me this time.
But also a very specific You/you.

Relationships and all those ships.

This is very personal, and it’s a part of my heart that I wasn’t sure I wanted to share with ‘strangers’ but I believe there’s power in speaking out and being vulnerable.

Writing things down has been quite therapeutic, so I suppose this is mostly for my own sake, however I wonder if anyone reading this will find something they can identify with, and honestly (maybe selfishly) I’m hoping someone does. it would make me feel less alone.

I find it scary to write about my relationship, the last thing I want is to shove my love on peoples faces, Funny enough this open letter might just be the complete opposite.

The truth is I’ve been struggling lately. eek! did I just type that. out. loud? That was hard.

Before my relationship with Dan I was single for six years. A lot of learning and growing happened, as it normally does. 
Unconsciously I began to put fears and insecurities aside, instead of dealing with them. As I’ve grown and become who I am today a lot of these things have resurfaced, specially now in this relationship.

I often struggle when people ask me how’s it going, most people just expect a sweet and short “fine thanks” when instead I just want to be able to pour my heart out and say you know what? it’s beautiful and it’s difficult and it’s challenging. But I’ll spare them the awkwardness of my honesty.

No one prepares you for how hard it is to love someone and to let that person love you. The real you.

I’ve prayed for a relationship for about four years, I know that might sound weird and it’s not like I literally prayed every day for one, but I definitely began to write down thoughts, ask God and began imagining what it would look like. I figured if we both loved Jesus, everything else would come easy. Except I forgot the part where we would still be human. Maybe that was mistake number one.

Love as I know it now, it’s beautiful and it’s messy and it takes work, so much work.
Maybe I’m wrong to say this, but I think it’s specially hard work when you’re in a long distance relationship.

I’ve always been a pretty independent person so when Dan, and I started our relationship I didn’t really think I’d struggle with him not being around, and I have to be honest and say that for the first half of it I kind of really didn’t.

Yes, It was nice to hear from him and his day over Skype, and it was nice to receive cute messages, and have someone care about my day, every day. But I didn’t feel the emptiness of him not being around like I do now. 

Perhaps back then I saw him more as a friend that liked me than anything else, it wasn’t until I began to fall in love that all of a sudden a lot of emotions –good ones and bad ones – hit me.

Theres so much fullness in my life and at the same time something is missing. There’s this man, my best friend, living somewhere else and we can’t do anything but wait. He is living a completely different life from me, a life that for the most part does not include me, and one that I literally cannot understand. (yay! language barriers)

I never really considered myself a jealous person, and now out of nowhere, jealousy.
Where did it come from? 
I get upset easily, and I’m jealous when I hear about his wonderful day, a day that didn’t include me. When did I become so irritable, and selfish?

I want him to be happy and I want him to have a joyful, full life, but I’m not going to lie, I catch myself wanting to be the one and only person who provides that. Mistake number two.

I’m learning (even though I already knew) that I am not, and will never be Dan’s source of joy and happiness, and neither is he. This is all so much easier said than done of course, and my bible shouts it at me (lovingly) frequently. But putting it into practice is proving to be extremely challenging.

Trust is another major thing for me. I wish there was a ‘Trust for Dummies’ book somewhere. Because letting go of past hurts, past experiences and not comparing Dan to the ones that came before him is something I have not yet successfully done, not smoothly anyway.

“Comparison is the thief of joy” never spoke to me louder.

I don’t have much experience in the subject yet, and I’m praying one day I can trust Dan whole heartedly. Not because he is not trustworthy, or because he’s ever proved me otherwise. He has the kindest of hearts, after all that’s what made me fall in love. But trusting completely is vulnerable and it’s scary. For now though I find that when I slow myself and my thoughts down and talk to God about these fears, He begins to speak truth into my life, and I slowly begin to let go of control. A process that has not come tear free.

I’m trying to remember that the things Dan does or says do not define me and my worth. The moment I start putting my self worth and identity in his hands things start to crumble.
We are both brilliant at saying mean, passive-aggressive and unkind things to each other even if we don’t mean to. Learning and remembering to consider each others feelings takes practice, willingness, patience, and time. All very fun!

Deep down I know a lot of these insecurities, and self doubt come from a whole lot of fear. Since I’m being honest I can say I’m still scared he’ll change his mind about me (after all it hasn’t been that long) I’m scared of rejection and scared of been seen. Vulnerability hurts sometimes.

I’ve learned I can avoid getting hurt if I hide, if I run. 
I’ve been practicing for years.

This letter might just be part one of a journey of discovering who my love is, discovering my role in the relationship and discovering how to love him better, how to open up more, and how to choose love before my own needs and pride.

The truth is, I can no longer remember what life looked like before Dan, or how it is to not be loved by him. We’ve already built so many memories, and he has made me the happiest I’ve ever been. He’s teaching me so much about myself, my faith and what the future could look like.

I’d like to think no good, long lasting thing comes without me feeling a little uncomfortable. And all these feelings will be worth it in the end. Because all those prayers for a relationship were answered when I met him.

I’m slowly leaving my bubble behind.

Will you marry me?

It’s been a week since the proposal. It still feels like is not my story I’m about to write but someone else’s. I remember waking up the morning after at about 4am and I began writing down thoughts.

I want to be able to read these words and remember our day. I want D to be able to read my side of the story; maybe I’ll read his side one day.

I had been waiting for him to message and tell me he was ready to see me, something that was out of the ordinary and had me confused and anxious.

During the morning I wondered a couple of times if maybe just maybe he was preparing the proposal but as soon as the thought would enter my mind I’d stop it. I didn’t want to be let down, I didn’t want to have any expectations; after all we’ve had so many conversations about getting engaged and how neither of us wanted to do it while doing this long distance. ‘Dating’ was hard enough we’d say.

I knew the moment wasn’t coming any time soon. And that just like our whole relationship I needed to be patient.

3 o’clock

“I’m ready for you, come down”

I made my way to our friend’s house. D was waiting downstairs. Flowers in hand. Completely surrounded by candles. I wish the next thing I did was run and hug him and kiss him, you know like they do in the movies when they haven’t seen their love for two months.

I didn’t.

Instead I walked ever so slowly, hugged him and looked at the candles, the flowers and asked what took him so long.

I won’t go into full details and every word he said, I want to keep those for myself.
All I’ll say is he was so nervous and I thought of every possible thing you can think of. My brain never stopped shouting at me.

“I’m hungry can we go eat” “why are there so many candles?” “did he buy these candles, I like them!” “Why are we here?” “why is he so nervous?” “Why am I so nervous?” “Why is he getting down on one knee?”
“What is this black box” “This is not Kat’s box” “Oh ok it’s a joke!!” “That ring is not going to fit me”

I actually said that last one out loud, and it wasn’t a joke, and the ring did fit me.

It took me about 10 seconds to respond because I was in shock and all I could say was ”OH MY GOSH!! Yes!”

“Wait why am I not crying, I always thought I’d cry!” STILL thinking.

For someone who has been waiting for this moment for like you know… forever! my reaction disappointed me. I mean I’ve seen so many proposals and D did everything right, he had all my favourite things. And there he was my favourite person saying all these beautiful things standing right in front of me, and I COULDN’T STOP THINKING!

We hugged and kissed and ten minutes later… tears, finally! This is me. I was finally present.

When I started to cry D held me and said to me: “You didn’t think it would ever happen”

Those words hit me, and I just couldn’t stop crying, he was so right. This boy, he knows my heart, my past, and me so well.

I wouldn’t want anyone else.

I think most girls fantasize about this day. I know I did. I prayed about it. I pictured how it would be, what I would say, how far I would jump, and how loud I’d scream.

If you know me, you know I don’t scream. I’m just not that kind of person. My reaction was exactly how it was meant to be.

I’m so glad my dreams are often wrong, because I wouldn’t change anything about this day, I wouldn’t change how nervous D was and how much that melted my heart, or how distracted I was because then maybe I would’ve noticed the cameras.

I’m very in love with our love. I love that it’s not perfect (except it is. For us it is) and that it has gone through so much this year. I love it’s hardships and it’s difficulties, I love it’s victories. I love that we have had to fight for it. I love it because it’s ours. I love the story of how we met and the days/weeks that followed.

I love that we know each other so well and yet keep learning so much about who we are with each passing day, and with every visit.

I love that learning about each other won’t change and that in the years to come we will look back at this day and say “wow we knew nothing then”

I keep looking at this ring and the promise(s) it holds. It overwhelms me in the most beautiful way to know that there’s this man who knows me and loves me. And that on that Friday he placed this symbol on my finger that says, “I will be here, I will choose you” I never thought a ring could say so much.

I just didn’t think it would ever happen.

At some point in between growing up in a broken family, and in between every broken relationship. I convinced myself that maybe this nice thing (marriage) wasn’t for me, because that was a safe place to live. Thinking that maybe I didn’t want it and that I was fine doing life on my own. I was protecting my heart and it worked for a while.

Until I met D, and he was so sure of us. He knew from the start.

I don’t think he knows this but I know that his love and his prayers have carried our relationship through my doubts, through my insecurities, and through the hard long distance. His love reminds me that I am worth of forever, worth of unconditional love. The kind of love God has for me and not only that but the love He meant for me, the love He also meant for D. (and for you)

I’m excited for the day when D and I can finally have a routine, for our distance to be closed for longer than a weekend, and for our goodbyes to be replaced by “goodnight’s, good morning’s, and see you tonight’s

We don’t really know exactly when this will be yet, but until then our airport visits, our failed Skype calls are being held by a promise, and the security that we are in this for good. We’re not going anywhere. He’s not going anywhere.

Nothing has really changed, and yet everything changed. My love for him has grown, and I can’t imagine looking at my phone screen and seeing a picture of someone else.

My fiancé.

Saying goodbye to him after our beautiful surreal weekend was sad of course, but it was the easiest one yet.

There’s hope.

I know I’d say yes many times over.

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