Will you marry me?

It’s been a week since the proposal. It still feels like is not my story I’m about to write but someone else’s. I remember waking up the morning after at about 4am and I began writing down thoughts.

I want to be able to read these words and remember our day. I want D to be able to read my side of the story; maybe I’ll read his side one day.

I had been waiting for him to message and tell me he was ready to see me, something that was out of the ordinary and had me confused and anxious.

During the morning I wondered a couple of times if maybe just maybe he was preparing the proposal but as soon as the thought would enter my mind I’d stop it. I didn’t want to be let down, I didn’t want to have any expectations; after all we’ve had so many conversations about getting engaged and how neither of us wanted to do it while doing this long distance. ‘Dating’ was hard enough we’d say.

I knew the moment wasn’t coming any time soon. And that just like our whole relationship I needed to be patient.

3 o’clock

“I’m ready for you, come down”

I made my way to our friend’s house. D was waiting downstairs. Flowers in hand. Completely surrounded by candles. I wish the next thing I did was run and hug him and kiss him, you know like they do in the movies when they haven’t seen their love for two months.

I didn’t.

Instead I walked ever so slowly, hugged him and looked at the candles, the flowers and asked what took him so long.

I won’t go into full details and every word he said, I want to keep those for myself.
All I’ll say is he was so nervous and I thought of every possible thing you can think of. My brain never stopped shouting at me.

“I’m hungry can we go eat” “why are there so many candles?” “did he buy these candles, I like them!” “Why are we here?” “why is he so nervous?” “Why am I so nervous?” “Why is he getting down on one knee?”
“What is this black box” “This is not Kat’s box” “Oh ok it’s a joke!!” “That ring is not going to fit me”

I actually said that last one out loud, and it wasn’t a joke, and the ring did fit me.

It took me about 10 seconds to respond because I was in shock and all I could say was ”OH MY GOSH!! Yes!”

“Wait why am I not crying, I always thought I’d cry!” STILL thinking.

For someone who has been waiting for this moment for like you know… forever! my reaction disappointed me. I mean I’ve seen so many proposals and D did everything right, he had all my favourite things. And there he was my favourite person saying all these beautiful things standing right in front of me, and I COULDN’T STOP THINKING!

We hugged and kissed and ten minutes later… tears, finally! This is me. I was finally present.

When I started to cry D held me and said to me: “You didn’t think it would ever happen”

Those words hit me, and I just couldn’t stop crying, he was so right. This boy, he knows my heart, my past, and me so well.

I wouldn’t want anyone else.

I think most girls fantasize about this day. I know I did. I prayed about it. I pictured how it would be, what I would say, how far I would jump, and how loud I’d scream.

If you know me, you know I don’t scream. I’m just not that kind of person. My reaction was exactly how it was meant to be.

I’m so glad my dreams are often wrong, because I wouldn’t change anything about this day, I wouldn’t change how nervous D was and how much that melted my heart, or how distracted I was because then maybe I would’ve noticed the cameras.

I’m very in love with our love. I love that it’s not perfect (except it is. For us it is) and that it has gone through so much this year. I love it’s hardships and it’s difficulties, I love it’s victories. I love that we have had to fight for it. I love it because it’s ours. I love the story of how we met and the days/weeks that followed.

I love that we know each other so well and yet keep learning so much about who we are with each passing day, and with every visit.

I love that learning about each other won’t change and that in the years to come we will look back at this day and say “wow we knew nothing then”

I keep looking at this ring and the promise(s) it holds. It overwhelms me in the most beautiful way to know that there’s this man who knows me and loves me. And that on that Friday he placed this symbol on my finger that says, “I will be here, I will choose you” I never thought a ring could say so much.

I just didn’t think it would ever happen.

At some point in between growing up in a broken family, and in between every broken relationship. I convinced myself that maybe this nice thing (marriage) wasn’t for me, because that was a safe place to live. Thinking that maybe I didn’t want it and that I was fine doing life on my own. I was protecting my heart and it worked for a while.

Until I met D, and he was so sure of us. He knew from the start.

I don’t think he knows this but I know that his love and his prayers have carried our relationship through my doubts, through my insecurities, and through the hard long distance. His love reminds me that I am worth of forever, worth of unconditional love. The kind of love God has for me and not only that but the love He meant for me, the love He also meant for D. (and for you)

I’m excited for the day when D and I can finally have a routine, for our distance to be closed for longer than a weekend, and for our goodbyes to be replaced by “goodnight’s, good morning’s, and see you tonight’s

We don’t really know exactly when this will be yet, but until then our airport visits, our failed Skype calls are being held by a promise, and the security that we are in this for good. We’re not going anywhere. He’s not going anywhere.

Nothing has really changed, and yet everything changed. My love for him has grown, and I can’t imagine looking at my phone screen and seeing a picture of someone else.

My fiancé.

Saying goodbye to him after our beautiful surreal weekend was sad of course, but it was the easiest one yet.

There’s hope.

I know I’d say yes many times over.

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Processed with VSCO with a8 preset